Forever

You know, I'm not sure how people do this grieving thing without faith in a good God.

Every single day is a new realization of absence and being faced with the reality that Christian is not here and won't be.

When I was little and we were learning about heaven and eternity in Sunday School I remember getting so frustrated that I couldn't understand what forever actually meant. My brain would think about a long, long time, but there was always an end. Then I would start over from that point and try again only to be met by that same end. I've come to accept that my mind is a finite thing and eternity is infinite so there is no earthly way to truly understand what eternity is.

I sort of feel like I'm six again, trying to understand forever and just not getting it. True, I only have to think about life here on earth without Christian, but it kind of feels like eternity. He isn't here, he can't be here, and he won't be here. Once again, I find my mind thinking about not being able to see Christian for a really long time, and then my mind wants to put an end to it. Kind of like, maybe after that really long time I'll be able to hang out with him again. All of this thought seems firmly rooted in the temporal...the here and now.

The "here and now" is a consuming place to be. I get wrapped up in every minute of the day. I've said this recently, but I feel as if there is a new awareness to each minute, each passing breath, that is how "in the moment" I feel. But in order to feel hopeful I am forcing myself to remember eternity, remember that my loss is temporary (no matter how awful it is right now).

I WILL see Christian again someday. I say this with every confidence. The reason that Christian was a great man (at 31 years old) is Christ living in him. Christian understood and was learning more and more the truth that he was living for eternity and to give all glory to his Creator God!

Arlington

It was a sunny morning...I'd hoped it would be cloudy and grey, and the weather ended up cooperating with me. By the time we drove into Arlington National Cemetery the sky was overcast and the air was heavy. Our family, loaded in two long black limos, followed the Army band, the hearse, and eight soldiers marching as pallbearers. Behind us was a long row of cars and six Harley-Davidsons carrying the Patriot Guard brought up the rear.

The screeching cry of a hawk greeted us as we exited the cars. It dove down and landed on a branch just above us as we walked through the long rows of white headstones towards the grave where Christian's body would be buried. That hawk echoed the cry that my heart has been screaming for the past five weeks.

The band played "America the Beautiful," the pallbearers folded the flag, the chaplain said "ashes to ashes...dust to dust," we sang the doxology:

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
praise him all creatures here below,
praise him above, ye heavenly host,
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Four Blackhawk UH-60 helicopters, the same kind of aircraft that Christian died flying, flew over low, in tight formation in respect for the service that Christian gave as an officer, pilot, and soldier in the United States Army. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I know that Christian loved to fly! What a fitting tribute. If we had to do this thing, bury Christian, this is how it should have been done.

The Secretary of the Army Pete Geren, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, Major General Rowe representing General Casey (Chief of Staff) came to offer condolences. There were many of Christian's fellow soldiers; from his cadet days in ROTC at Wheaton College, from Korea, from rugby, from Ft. Rucker, AL, from Aviano, Italy. Washington DC was far from our hometown, but so many people showed up. What a testimony to the effect that Christian had in every area of his life.

Funeral

Yesterday shouldn't have had to happen. All day on Thursday and Friday I kept thinking how I didn't want to see all these people I love here in Racine, I didn't want them to be here...not for this. How about a wedding, graduation, or a landmark anniversary, but a funeral? For my big brother? That can't really be happening. There were services in Italy already, but this memorial service here in Racine at our home church in his home town seems so final.

As phone calls and emails drifted in about all the family and friends that were coming for the service my mind kept wandering to the thoughts that Christian would have loved all this! Any excuse to be with the people he loved was an excuse for a party. I looked around and saw more extended family together than any wedding has brought, friends of Christian's from all corners of the United States, people who grew up with Christian, or just loved our family. In that moment I felt the support of all of the hours and hours of prayer that have been lifted up for our families.

All of the best things about Christian were talked about at the service, and I was thinking about how at funerals everybody always gives glowing reviews of the person who died. The thing is, from my perspective, as somebody who knew Christian for my whole life, it was all true. That was really, truly the person that Christian was! Good, kind, fun, goofy, generous, loving, adventurous, fun, loving, tender, but just so alive. It seemed that every minute we spent together was to the fullest, whether it was chatting on the phone, riding the motorcycle, travelling, playing games, watching movies. Makes it so hard that he is dead. I hate saying it, but if I don't I won't really believe it.

I wish more than anything that I could hear him say "Give everyone a hug for me" even one more time. This is so hard. I truly know what it means to physically hurt because of the sorrow. I never knew I had so many tears.

Still somehow, because of God's grace I'm sure, I am still praising the Lord that Christian is more alive than he ever was here. Christian is free. Again because of God's grace I know that He is Good, and His love endures forever.