Forever

You know, I'm not sure how people do this grieving thing without faith in a good God.

Every single day is a new realization of absence and being faced with the reality that Christian is not here and won't be.

When I was little and we were learning about heaven and eternity in Sunday School I remember getting so frustrated that I couldn't understand what forever actually meant. My brain would think about a long, long time, but there was always an end. Then I would start over from that point and try again only to be met by that same end. I've come to accept that my mind is a finite thing and eternity is infinite so there is no earthly way to truly understand what eternity is.

I sort of feel like I'm six again, trying to understand forever and just not getting it. True, I only have to think about life here on earth without Christian, but it kind of feels like eternity. He isn't here, he can't be here, and he won't be here. Once again, I find my mind thinking about not being able to see Christian for a really long time, and then my mind wants to put an end to it. Kind of like, maybe after that really long time I'll be able to hang out with him again. All of this thought seems firmly rooted in the temporal...the here and now.

The "here and now" is a consuming place to be. I get wrapped up in every minute of the day. I've said this recently, but I feel as if there is a new awareness to each minute, each passing breath, that is how "in the moment" I feel. But in order to feel hopeful I am forcing myself to remember eternity, remember that my loss is temporary (no matter how awful it is right now).

I WILL see Christian again someday. I say this with every confidence. The reason that Christian was a great man (at 31 years old) is Christ living in him. Christian understood and was learning more and more the truth that he was living for eternity and to give all glory to his Creator God!