Mini Update

Its been a while, I know. I've been a little disconnected from the blogging world. So much has happened since I last wrote. I'm still running, I still don't love running, but gradually I'm adding miles and I think, that by October 5 I'll be able to run the Ten Miler. We'll see...I think both Liz and Rachael are ahead of me in their training. Even though the actual running isn't fantastic yet, it's getting better, and I really love how I'm feeling after my runs are done. I've found a few people who will do some running with me, so I stay relatively motivated. I should go six and a half miles this week...we'll see.

I ran the Firecracker Four on July 4 and then promptly headed home and got in a fender bender. Apparently being hit from behind is not always the other person's fault. The man who hit me talked the police officer into citing me for the accident that happened from behind me. Frustrating, but it probably was my fault. That is why we have insurance, right? All will be settled except I need to find a replacement for dear Hans, the Jetta that has faithfully gotten me to and fro for the past few years. He's drive-able for the time being, but I need a new car. If anyone has a lead on an economical little car, let me know!

What else? I bought a plane ticket to go and visit Elizabeth, the Nordberg's, and the North Country for a week in August. It will be great! I'm excited to see her new house and help with whatever 'projects' that need doing. Hopefully the weather will be nice and we'll get to do some water sports, that should be good. She just got all of her household goods from storage, where they have been since being packaged up in Italy. It will be nice to see some of the things that Christian and Liz shared, but tough at the same time, I'm sure. I really miss him, a lot.

More to come soon...I think. Stay posted!

ME?!?! RUNNING!?!?

My sister-in-law, Liz called me last Sunday and left me a message asking me to run the Army Ten-Miler in October. TEN MILES!! I've never even ran half of that, but somehow, I said yes. So, after registering for the run, buying new shoes, and going for a weeks worth of training runs (four of them, one every other day so far) I'm on my way to the big 1-0!

Everybody I've talked to says I'll be fine, and that I've got plenty of time to train...plenty! Still, I'm feeling the pressure of a deadline and I'm actually serious about doing this. I'm starting small, but every run is feeling easier for a longer time!

I'm running in memory of my brother on a team for an organization called TAPS. Liz went to a seminar they had in D.C. over Memorial Day and said that they are an excellent organization that help families who have lost loved ones in the military. If you're interested in knowing more about it just take a look at this link:

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=273178&lis=1&kntae273178=D07D8D1349C942199E417032DB3C4F50&supId=223384751


When I finally agreed to do this Liz said "Christian would be so proud of us," and you know what? That made me smile! It really would, he would have been running right along side of us!

Memorial Day 2008

I have so many memories that have been playing through my head, and to start talking about them would be to never finish. Every day, I remember. To know him was to love him!

In light of today, Memorial Day 2008, I say in honor of my brother, Captain Christian Skoglund and to all who serve or have served in the military, thank you.

South Carolina and the Hope in Sun

I know this seems a little after the fact, but our family trip (unfortunately, minus Lars) to South Carolina was such a good time. Since then, I've been trying to brainstorm ideas for how to spend more time on the beach than working. So far the only plausible ideas are: a. winning the lottery, or, b. finding a long lost rich uncle. Neither of those things seem to be panning out so I guess I'll have to enjoy vacation for what it is, vacation. I keep trying to convince myself that living at the beach and spending my days sun-bathing, drinking iced coffee, shopping, and exercising would get boring. I guess I'm not very self convince-able.



After spending a week on the beach on Hilton Head Island and soaking the sun deep into my bones, I am ready for summer! It is the middle of May and I feel as if the temperatures should be on the upswing, but they seem to be hovering around coldish. However, we have had days and days of mostly sunny skies. The sun does great things to help me see and remember that God is still good, even and especially in the midst of hard. The sun reminds me that spring is coming and that spring brings new life and a reminder that He is in control of that life, whatever that may look like. This I know in my head, and I'm trying to let it sink into my heart and remember, even feel it at the core of who I am.

Every day, because of His grace.

Its been six months today. I miss him every day and I still wish it were different.

Mrs Nordberg wrote a beautiful entry today, it echoes so much of what I feel.

Take a look: margaretnordberg.blogspot.com

To Christian I still say - SEE YOU LATER!

Four More Sleeps!

Hilton Head here I come. I think I can hear it... Listen carefully... Wait... It's calling my name... Yup, I'm sure of it. The sun, sand, and sunscreen are all calling. "Maja, Maja, when are you coming?" To that I answer, just four more sleeps!

Warmer Times Ahead

Atlantic waters
Hilton Head beckons me come
Warm sandy beaches

Thank you kayak.com, thank you. Courtesy of the searching services of this wonderful website I will be on my way to Hilton Head, SC in less than two months. It seems like an eternity away, but I can't wait! By the end of April it will be oh, so warm! And while the weather will be warming up here, I will be in a bathing suit, lying on the beach, soaking up the sun.

Just two days ago our family purchased plane tickets to join the Nordberg family at the beach in South Carolina! Even the thought of the beach seems to lift my spirits! When the sun soaks deep in my bones I can feel myself unwind and relax. I know that I complain about the weather...a lot...but there is good news brewing on that front. I just heard on the radio that we should be feeling significantly warmer weather by the middle of next week.

My brother used to say that anything beyond 36 hours was pure speculation, but today I'm choosing to believe the meteorologists. My sanity depends on it.

A Long Case of the Mondays

The blog was just on hiatus for a wee bit, don't worry I'm still going to post. I think I had a very, very long case of the Monday's, otherwise known as February. I know that it is my birthday month and celebrating is always fun, but I've got to tell you all...I'm sick of the cold. I was talking with Liz the other day and we were both saying that we feel as if our only topic of conversation is how we wish that the weather would change, and yet it stays just as frigid as ever. I know that I really have nothing to complain about, seeing as I was able to go to the tropics in January, but here I am, complaining nonetheless.

I've been emailing back and forth with a friend who has become very dear to me in the past couple of months and I was thinking today when I received her message that I am truly blessed to have friends (and even people I don't know of) who have come up alongside of me over the past months. I am reminded by many people throughout my days and weeks that I am being remembered and prayed for in this hour of grief. To all who have sent an encouraging word or who have been holding us all up in prayer...from the bottom of my heart thank you. You are loved and appreciated by me.

I've been sad, I am sad and my insides hurt in a way that was completely foreign to me on November 7, 2007. This thing, this grief, has become my constant companion. It seems to have a personality and a mind and will all its own. Some days are good and there are good times with friends, laughing, fun stuff, but the underlying current of my emotions can just be draining.

Ehhh...after reading back over that it sounds pretty sad a depressing. I know there is still abundant good in my life that I have to be thankful for. I know this and I know that God is good and that he is holding me up with his everlasting arms. Praise the Lord for those strong arms of strength!

Blizzard of '08

I went to bed on Tuesday night happy because school was already called off for the next day! When I got up on Wednesday I was still thrilled at the unexpected day off, but unsure what all the hype was about. They said "snow emergency," but there was just a slushy mess outside. But the meteorologists were unwilling to go back on their predictions of 14-16 inches of the white stuff. They kept saying oh, it will start in earnest soon, soon, soon.

Sure enough around noon on Wednesday I looked out my window to a virtual white out. I couldn't see the apartment building across the street. Seriously, it was great. I hung out with my new roommie (and old one, once they let her out of work early) in our pajamas till nearly 2:30pm. I braved the elements like an arctic explorer to get to the local coffee shop with my neighbors Kira and Tiffany. Then, when the snow had lightened to a mere twinkle in the air we went outside to play!

I mean play! Sledding, snowball fights, face washes, tromping through thigh deep snow. It was one of those great times when everything else seems unimportant and friends and fun were all that mattered.

So, the branches above next to my head are usually a few feet above me. Crazy snow!

St. Kitts

Yes, yes, I know that it almost two weeks after the fact, but better late than never, right? I think so...

An haiku in honor of St. Kitts:

St. Kitts, small island
Jon's tropical paradise
Sunshine warms deeply

Ok, so maybe that was not my very best haiku, but it's been a while...I may be a bit rusty. I've got to say there is something wonderful about wearing a sundress with bare legs and arms on January 15. Liz and I made a leisurely start to each day, waking up between 9:00 and 10:00, throwing on a swimsuit, flipflops, and a coverup, and grabbing a coffee and croissant before making our way to the poolside lounge chairs. There we spent the next hours soaking the sun deep into our bones. I think, just maybe, there is something healing about sunshine. I felt warm all the way to the core!

Jon joined us as soon as his classes were finished and most days we went out and did something "island-y." There was a long walk down the beach on the Atlantic side, a drive out to North Friar's beach with Otis and Jon's vet school friends (along with all their dogs), a hike up the volcano, snorkeling in the Carribean, dinner at Jon's place, Wilbur the (very huge) pig, monkeys, goats, cows, VERY good food. It was a great trip that ended too quickly!

So Good

This is going to be a very short post...

St. Kitts with Liz and Jon was awe-some!

More to come later...maybe even pictures. Get excited!

Heading South Too!

St. Kitts here I come!

I am, oh so, very excited about joining Elizabeth and visiting Jon down, down, down south...where the weather is WARM, WARM, WARM! I know that the sun is very bad for me and for my skin, but I'm going to get all SPFed up and let the heat from the sun soak deep, deep, deep into my bones. It seems to me that it could be very therapeudic.

You know, I miss him. I think about him all the time. I see pictures of him and I am blown away by the fact that he isn't here anymore. In pictures he seems so alive, so present, so full of life. Even now, almost two months after the fact, I still have to talk myself into believing it. I loved, and truly still love, him so much. (So good to know that Christian is still Christian and I will know him again...and then forever!) Such a great big brother.

I taught a bunch of lessons today. I'm on my way to 'full time' again. I know its been a crazy long time to be away, but its been good to have the time off and concentrate on all that has happened. But now, it feels really good to see my students, to remember that this is something that I love to do and that I really care about each one of them.

Forever

You know, I'm not sure how people do this grieving thing without faith in a good God.

Every single day is a new realization of absence and being faced with the reality that Christian is not here and won't be.

When I was little and we were learning about heaven and eternity in Sunday School I remember getting so frustrated that I couldn't understand what forever actually meant. My brain would think about a long, long time, but there was always an end. Then I would start over from that point and try again only to be met by that same end. I've come to accept that my mind is a finite thing and eternity is infinite so there is no earthly way to truly understand what eternity is.

I sort of feel like I'm six again, trying to understand forever and just not getting it. True, I only have to think about life here on earth without Christian, but it kind of feels like eternity. He isn't here, he can't be here, and he won't be here. Once again, I find my mind thinking about not being able to see Christian for a really long time, and then my mind wants to put an end to it. Kind of like, maybe after that really long time I'll be able to hang out with him again. All of this thought seems firmly rooted in the temporal...the here and now.

The "here and now" is a consuming place to be. I get wrapped up in every minute of the day. I've said this recently, but I feel as if there is a new awareness to each minute, each passing breath, that is how "in the moment" I feel. But in order to feel hopeful I am forcing myself to remember eternity, remember that my loss is temporary (no matter how awful it is right now).

I WILL see Christian again someday. I say this with every confidence. The reason that Christian was a great man (at 31 years old) is Christ living in him. Christian understood and was learning more and more the truth that he was living for eternity and to give all glory to his Creator God!

Arlington

It was a sunny morning...I'd hoped it would be cloudy and grey, and the weather ended up cooperating with me. By the time we drove into Arlington National Cemetery the sky was overcast and the air was heavy. Our family, loaded in two long black limos, followed the Army band, the hearse, and eight soldiers marching as pallbearers. Behind us was a long row of cars and six Harley-Davidsons carrying the Patriot Guard brought up the rear.

The screeching cry of a hawk greeted us as we exited the cars. It dove down and landed on a branch just above us as we walked through the long rows of white headstones towards the grave where Christian's body would be buried. That hawk echoed the cry that my heart has been screaming for the past five weeks.

The band played "America the Beautiful," the pallbearers folded the flag, the chaplain said "ashes to ashes...dust to dust," we sang the doxology:

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
praise him all creatures here below,
praise him above, ye heavenly host,
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

Four Blackhawk UH-60 helicopters, the same kind of aircraft that Christian died flying, flew over low, in tight formation in respect for the service that Christian gave as an officer, pilot, and soldier in the United States Army. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I know that Christian loved to fly! What a fitting tribute. If we had to do this thing, bury Christian, this is how it should have been done.

The Secretary of the Army Pete Geren, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, Major General Rowe representing General Casey (Chief of Staff) came to offer condolences. There were many of Christian's fellow soldiers; from his cadet days in ROTC at Wheaton College, from Korea, from rugby, from Ft. Rucker, AL, from Aviano, Italy. Washington DC was far from our hometown, but so many people showed up. What a testimony to the effect that Christian had in every area of his life.

Funeral

Yesterday shouldn't have had to happen. All day on Thursday and Friday I kept thinking how I didn't want to see all these people I love here in Racine, I didn't want them to be here...not for this. How about a wedding, graduation, or a landmark anniversary, but a funeral? For my big brother? That can't really be happening. There were services in Italy already, but this memorial service here in Racine at our home church in his home town seems so final.

As phone calls and emails drifted in about all the family and friends that were coming for the service my mind kept wandering to the thoughts that Christian would have loved all this! Any excuse to be with the people he loved was an excuse for a party. I looked around and saw more extended family together than any wedding has brought, friends of Christian's from all corners of the United States, people who grew up with Christian, or just loved our family. In that moment I felt the support of all of the hours and hours of prayer that have been lifted up for our families.

All of the best things about Christian were talked about at the service, and I was thinking about how at funerals everybody always gives glowing reviews of the person who died. The thing is, from my perspective, as somebody who knew Christian for my whole life, it was all true. That was really, truly the person that Christian was! Good, kind, fun, goofy, generous, loving, adventurous, fun, loving, tender, but just so alive. It seemed that every minute we spent together was to the fullest, whether it was chatting on the phone, riding the motorcycle, travelling, playing games, watching movies. Makes it so hard that he is dead. I hate saying it, but if I don't I won't really believe it.

I wish more than anything that I could hear him say "Give everyone a hug for me" even one more time. This is so hard. I truly know what it means to physically hurt because of the sorrow. I never knew I had so many tears.

Still somehow, because of God's grace I'm sure, I am still praising the Lord that Christian is more alive than he ever was here. Christian is free. Again because of God's grace I know that He is Good, and His love endures forever.

Services

For those of you who are interested or wondering about funeral/memorial services for my brother, Black Hawk pilot, CPT Christian Skoglund here are the details:

Memorial Service:

Saturday, December 8, 2007 @ 2:00pm
Racine Bible Church
12505 Spring Street
Sturtevant, WI 53177

Funeral:

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Visitation & Service @ 6:00-8:00pm
Murphy's Funeral Home in Arlington, VA

Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Burial Service @ 11:00am
Arlington National Cemetery

If anybody has any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. We want these services to be a celebration of Christian's life and faith and all are welcome to attend. Thanks to all for your prayers and support during this hard time.

Because of the Lord's faithfulness,

Maja Kay Skoglund

One thing at a time...

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Minute by minute, hour by hour. This has taken on new meaning for me in the past two and a half weeks. I never thought I was one to live outside of the present, and that living for today (and not what may come tomorrow) was important, but I'm not sure that I really understood.

There is a new consciousness to every minute I'm awake. My mind moves constantly, I'm aware of every breath. Every minute that ticks by is one farther away from Christian's life here on earth. I feel as if I'm trying to hold on to the minutes so they don't slip by so fast, but like a handful of sand those minutes run through my fingers. Right here, right now is as close to him as I'll ever be. And yet, even as I write this I know that these thoughts are only partly true.

Time here on earth marches on and I feel as if I'm losing touch already, and that is a whole other kind of grieving. My sister-in-law posted a video of Christian and I watch that many times a day so my ears remember the sound of his teasing and so I see the mischievous glint in his eyes. He was so full of life...

No, he IS so full of life. I know, because of the faith that we shared, that my brother is rejoicing with his Heavenly Father. I know that for the one who committed his life to the Lord, "to be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord." I know that Christian is living as he was created to live, in the presence of his Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I will see him again some day because I have put my faith and trust in the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the cross and in his resurrection.

Coming Home

I've been up since quarter after four. I think it must be jet-lag, or maybe I stayed in bed too long yesterday, or maybe my mind has too much to think about. Its going to be a gray day, I think. We came back from Italy to a dusting of snow on the cars and the lawn with splotches of white. I finally made it back to the apartment on Friday night.

A stack of cards on my bed, dropped off or mailed from friends remind me why I've been gone for two weeks. As if I needed reminding. Remnants of the make-shift bed I'd made on the couch the night before Christian died bring back the flood of emotions from November 7 and 8. It was the best and then the worst days of my life juxtaposed against one another.

On Wednesday we welcomed Alissa and Isaac's little boy, 9lbs 4oz, healthy and hearty with a full head of dark hair. Seriously, that had to be one of the best days of my life. Seeing Alissa, who in so many ways is my sister, have this baby was amazing. I stood outside the door and prayed for the safe delivery while Alissa pushed and I heard the team inside say "One more and you're finished" and then the first cry brought tears of joy to my eyes. I loved the little boy and I hadn't even seen him yet.

"There's been a crash in Italy." That greeted me on Thursday morning...the very next morning. I can't even explain the panic, but I held on to the shred of hope that this was Christian, he would make it. My prayer on the drive home was only "Lord, let him be ok," over and over and over. Then the call that he was alive, but critical, followed shortly by the news of his death. There is no way to be prepared for that kind of phone call.

We all, Elizabeth, my mom and dad, my brothers and I, the Nordberg family, extended family, are staring at the face of a seemingly impossible job. Learning to live without Christian. The constant reminder that it will never be the same comes at every turn. Its a big hole to fill, I'm sure it won't ever feel okay or right, only less painful. I know I've said it already, but I have a Hope in my Heavenly Father that Christian is rejoicing with in the realization of his salvation! I will see him again someday and then I will never have to say good-bye again! This sorrow is only for this night and joy will come in the morning.

The Eulogy

This is the eulogy that my dad gave at the memorial service on Aviano Air Force Base. I'm not sure how he did it, but his voice was strong and clear, given strength, I'm sure, by the Holy Spirit. It was a testimony of Christian's faith and life and I am SURE that there will be somebody whose heart will be changed because of the life that Christian led. So, for those of you who have not seen this in one of the many places that it has been posted, or did not hear it...

When Captain Skoglund was born on August 2, 1976, we named him Christian. That was our highest hope for him – that he would become one of Christ’s men. We have watched that happen to a greater and greater degree as the years have passed.

Christian loved what God loves – His amazing creation - the earth, the sky, the awesome experience of mountains and water; but even more – he has loved and enjoyed the people the Lord has brought into his life. My wife Kay and I and his three siblings – Maja, Erik and Lars, his wife Liz, and many, many friends and family, have enjoyed him for 31 years. He has brought incredible warmth and always unpredictable excitement to our life in lots and lots and lots of ways. The last, and best of all, was this time in Italy with his wonderful wife Liz as they loved life and each other for these last 16 months.

We are very thankful for Christian’s opportunities in the military. He loved flying and he loved his fellow soldiers. We have been so impressed by the “military family” and their love and support. But there’s a bigger reason for my thanks. In this environment, everyone knows what it means to be under orders. It’s not just a specific responsibility but being in a state of accountability. Because of his army life, Christian has learned in recent years what it means to be under orders, not just from his military superiors, but also under orders from his loving Lord. The joy and winsomeness that you have seen in him are due to the fact that Christian embraced His command heartily.

We have heard from lots of people: military both here and around the world, many rugby players, fellow students from schools that Christian has attended, extended family,and they all say that he was a person “who was comfortable in his own skin, that he was able to stand alone in a crowd while still loving people and enjoying the situation.”

Here’s why. Scripture is clear that God makes each of us uniquely and carefully according to His design. We are never complete and truly fruitful until we cooperate with that design, and we never know that design until we relate in humility and submission to the Lord of life. We are created by Him and for Him. Christian understood that, and his actions and commitments in life were all part of his commitment to being the man that God wanted him to be.

For some time now, since Christian has been assigned around the world, our times together have ended with a hearty, “See you later!” Sometimes “later” is months or more, sometimes just tomorrow morning, but we never say “Good-bye,” it’s always “See you later!” That is no different now. It’s just that Christian has left this life, so “See you later!” may take a little longer. Christian has been so many places around the world where I still have not been, and may never be. Now he’s gone ahead to one more new place but this time I know I will join him someday. We are convinced that for those who “believe in their heart and confess with their mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord,” this is our future. In fact, eternal life, the gift of God, is an abundant life that begins at the moment the soul awakens and acknowledges the Savior. Christian has shown us all a little taste of what it means to live abundantly!

We grieve because much of what we anticipated in this life can never happen. We grieve because there is a tremendous hole in so many lives where Christian lived. We grieve because we know that our path to the next “See you later!” may be longer and more difficult than any so far, BUT we do not grieve because we are without hope, or that we have lost him forever. God’s grace will be sufficient for this life, and God’s promise will carry believing hearts into great joy. Praise God for His manifold gifts to us that have come to us in and through Christian Skoglund.

To all of you, I want to say thank you for all that you have meant to Christian and to us…

and to Christian, I want to say – SEE YOU LATER!!

Packing Out

We finished packing out. The Italian moving men came in and quickly and efficiently packed up the house in Fontana Fredda, Italy. Liz's household goods were wrapped in bubble wrap, sealed into boxes, then stacked in crates to be sealed and put into storage. This, for the most part, went smoothly.

I should clarify, logistically the packing went smoothly. For the emotions it was rough and ragged. On Monday, before the packers came, we tried to help Liz decide what came quickly to the states and what should be stored long term. As the day wore on we all became increasingly sad and somber. Before bed I went down into Christian's room, really a room that acted as a closet and "man space." It smelled like him, it looked like him, it felt like he was going to walk through the beaded curtain any second. I couldn't help but think that to pack it all up would really feel like an end.

Here, in Italy, Christian and Liz had become "Christian & Liz!" They had been in a place where, in the beginning, they only had each other and the Lord. A solid foundation for a beautiful picture of what a godly marriage was intended to be. I didn't see them in the mundane, every day routine of life, but in the conversations and visits I saw my brother in a very good place. With Elizabeth and the Lord as number one in his life, Christian was the best version of himself I'd ever known. I thank the Lord that Elizabeth was my brother's wife and that she is my sister-in-law.

Packing up the house in Italy meant saying a little bit of goodbye. This place, where he was so happy, was bit by bit, piece by piece, being packed up and stowed away. I watched my mom do his last laundry and wept when I realized that would be the last time. I don't pretend to know the emotions of being a parent, but I do know that my parents loved Christian, and each of us, with an unfailing love. An unfailing love that has been a picture of the love of my Heavenly Father. Again, I rest in the Everlasting Arms that have proven themselves faithful again and again.